Also posted at The Bilerico Project

Intimacy in gay and lesbian relationships is a balancing act that involves the human desire for both autonomy and connection throughout life. Our dual needs to be separate, yet together, create a fully human experience. We understand that loving another person transcends the experience we can have on our own. Yet in the process of creating a pair, we must find ways to develop authentic individuality.

In the beginning, we emphasize our sameness in order to connect. That’s normal. This honeymoon period of symbiosis is exciting and addicting. Suddenly, the anxiety that comes from feeling alone in the world is gone. All is well. We have found our soulmate and experience what seems like intimacy without much effort. We can talk about anything and constantly marvel at how much we are alike.

Just being in the physical proximity of the other is a natural painkiller that wards off depression and replaces it with joy and excitement. It doesn’t seem to matter much what activity we are sharing. Dr. Pat Love, a noted relationship educator, says that going to Wal-Mart together is an existential experience during this stage.

Many couples try to hold on to this stage and resist the natural and developmental progression to more mature and ultimately more rewarding stages. The early experience of exhilaration slips away, and when it does the differences between us invariably emerge. But, differences make us uncomfortable, so we try to manage our anxiety in one of several counterproductive ways.

Some of us react by trying to control and change our partner into the person we think they ought to be. Isn’t it obvious they are the wrongdoer? Can’t they see how unhealthy they are? Life would be much easier if we could just recreate him or her in our own image.

Others sacrifice their own identity by going along with their partner’s wishes just to sidestep conflict and preserve the illusion of intimacy. Who among us likes to fight with the person we love the most? Isn’t it easier to say “yes” even if we really mean “no”? Why can’t we get back to the way it used to be in our relationship when it didn’t take so much darn work?

Psychologists Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson list six common faulty beliefs that are pervasive among many couples (In Quest Of The Mythical Mate):

1. If you really loved me, you would know what I want without me having to tell you.
2. If you really loved me, you would have the same needs for intimacy as I do.
3. If you really loved me, you would change your personality to please me.
4. If you really loved me, you would give me what I want in an ongoing way and it would be easy, effortless, and enjoyable for you.
5. If you really loved me, you would give me what I hope for, long for, and expect. And will you please do it on my time schedule?
6. By the way, please do not expect me to seriously inconvenience myself in responding to you.

Getting past these faulty beliefs and the Hallmark notion of love means accepting that we cannot mature if we are psychologically fused with another. While some people feel close in enmeshed relationships, most of us feel suffocated by the unrealistic expectations that result from overdependence.

Healthy relating comes from two secure people who choose to be together, not from two anxious people who believe they have to be. It involves the courage to let go of “rescue me” fantasies and love the actual person in our bed, rather than the idealized image in our head.

The only way you can learn to love another person, flaws and all, is by learning to accept your own imperfections. Intimacy involves working on and changing yourself, rather than focusing on the changes you think your partner needs to make. It includes the active process of defining and expressing your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It means learning to establish and maintain your own emotional boundaries, rather than getting pulled into your partner’s feelings all the time. It also means creating your own life goals, developing separate friendships, and being comfortable with separate activities, hobbies, and interests.

Creating an intimate relationship with yourself involves stopping throughout the day to remember what’s really important, and what’s not. It’s about looking into the faces of people you care about and seeking a life of kindness so the world can be transformed. It’s about reflecting, meditating, and turning inward. It means finding the time for brisk walks, singing songs, lighting candles, making love, taking naps, hugging children, and dancing whether you have rhythm or not.

The truth is that people who take care of themselves are irresistibly attractive, if not downright sexy. They believe they deserve to be loved and other people are eager to be around them. Love is not just about finding the right person; it’s also about being the right person.

Originally posted at Bilerico.com

Cupid – the icon of desire and attraction – will undoubtedly fire his arrows through the hearts of many this Valentine season.  Countless lovers will swap confectionary and flowers, and according to the Greeting Card Association over 140 million greeting cards will be exchanged on the day that commemorates romantic love.

But when Cupid draws back his bow, what happens next is largely dictated by biology – not love.

Scientists have identified a molecule within human DNA called Major Histocompatibility Complex (MHC).  Studies show that most people are sexually and romantically drawn to those with MHC profiles divergent from their own.

When Cupid’s arrow strikes a new sweetheart, it unleashes a complex and powerful chemical reaction within the limbic system.  The brain becomes flooded with a concoction of phenylethylamine (PEA) and other euphoria-inducing neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine.  This high-octane adrenaline rush triggers delightful symptoms; which may include exhilaration, super-human energy, increased optimism and concentration, and a decreased need for food and sleep.   We are quite literally in a drug-induced state of altered consciousness.

That’s why we feel “high” in the presence of the other during the limerence stage. Too much separation creates withdrawal-like symptoms of anxiety, so we make up reasons to be together again because our brain needs a “fix.”  Infatuation is nature’s way of getting us acquainted – but please beware.

The danger is that we can make choices we will later regret because the brain is engaged in sophisticated mental gymnastics in order to minimize or rationalize any negative qualities of the new partner.  In this stage we emphasize sameness, we are minimally aware of even extreme differences, and we tend to fall in “love” with the idealized partner fashioned in our head rather than the actual person lying in our bed.  In other words, your new honey could work 16 hours a day, drink a bottle of wine every night, and smoke 4 packs of cigarettes before lunch.  You should recognize him as an addict hooked on work, alcohol, and nicotine.  Instead, you brag to your friends that he is “an intense and fun-loving free spirit who is dedicated to his career yet also knows how to have a good time.”

The point is that the object of your affection might turn out to be the person of your dreams, or just a bad nightmare.  There is really no sure way to tell when the hormones are surging through your body and the mind is suffering from a temporary suspension of rationality.  To avoid falling in love with a jerk, try to practice the following during the honeymoon stage of dating:

1.  Slow down, enjoy the dating experience for what it is, and avoid making decisions about your future during the honeymoon stage.

2.  Be determined not to lose touch with your self-care routines.  If you walked two miles every morning before you met, keep walking two miles afterwards.

3.  Develop what psychotherapists sometimes refer to as an “observing ego” – a conscious awareness and an intentional assessment of the self during communications with your new heartthrob.

4.  Work on your own emotional issues from the past so that you can choose to be in a relationship if it is healthy, rather than need to be in one even if it is not.  Love at any cost is not really love at all.

5.  Learn to ask revealing questions about your date’s family, friends, and past relationships.  Listen closely to their answers and analyze their conflict management skills and interpersonal boundaries.  Some people have a way of inviting loads of drama into their life rather than calmness and serenity.  That probably won’t change just because they are now dating you.

6.  Pay attention to the way your new love interest treats you, and others – especially over the little things.  If he screams at the waiter when his soup is cold there is little reason to believe he won’t scream at you later when your human imperfections are revealed.

7.  Establish and maintain your own emotional boundaries rather than constantly getting pulled into your date’s feelings.  Practice healthy differentiation by creating your own life goals, developing separate friendships, and learning to be comfortable with separate activities, hobbies, and interests.

8.  Develop a strong sense of self and personal values.  Know your spiritual, financial, emotional, and intellectual needs and be honest with yourself about whether or not you need a partner that shares those values.

9.  It might sound conceited, but quietly ask yourself if this new person is good enough for you, rather than spending huge amounts of energy trying to be good enough for them.

10.  Write a paragraph that briefly describes your individual hopes and dreams for the future.  As the infatuation of the honeymoon stage begins to fade (3-6 months for most couples) ask yourself if the person you have been dating seems likely to support you in reaching those dreams.  Research shows this is a crucial predictor of long-term and happy couples.

Webster’s dictionary defines infatuation as “lacking sound judgment, foolish, completely carried away by foolish or shallow love or affection, and extrapolating from insufficient information.”  Real love is not just a set of pleasant emotions; it is a continuing choice to behave in ways that nurture and grow mature connection.

This Valentine’s Day, make a commitment to treat your new sweetie with loving kindness – and pay close attention to whether or not they behave the same toward you.

Originally posted at Bilerico.com

Also posted at the Bilerico Project

I recently found an old photograph that reminded me of a magical evening several years ago. That night, I went to dinner with three very special gay couples. The “youngest” had been together 19 years at that point. The second – 39 years.  The third couple was about to celebrate their 53rd anniversary.

Before dinner, we had drinks in the lovely home where the pair with the most years together had created over five decades of memories.  I sat in their living room (décor unchanged since the 1970’s) and observed the kind and compassionate ways they treated one another. They told story after story and vividly recalled the day they met in 1948 like it was yesterday.  Meanwhile, I did some quick math and realized that my parents were just six-year-old children when these two men first started dating.  All three couples agreed that staying together had not always been easy. They said it took hard work, dedication, and tenacity.  One of the elders (the other men called him “Granny”) smiled at his partner with a twinkle in his eye and said softly, “I would gladly do it all over again.  You were worth it.”  Overcome by this tender moment, a tear fell into my Merlot.

Later at the restaurant, one elder pulled out a chair for his partner and pushed him gently to the table (while I made a mental note to be more of a gentleman to the one I love).  As we were leaving, one of the men stopped to admire a plant in the restaurant lobby.  He touched the leaves gently to see if they were real.  An elderly woman noticed and said, “I thought only ladies did that!” We giggled. If only she knew.

These men shared a home with avocado green appliances and loved each other for more than half a century, despite all the social and religious pressures that tried to tear them apart.  If only we were more open to hearing their voices.  Maybe these two aging gay “grannies” could spare a straight couple from divorce. Maybe they could teach young gay and lesbian couples the true meaning of commitment.

There was a time in history when we looked up to the older generation, went to them for words of wisdom, and understood that their life experiences served as a powerful source of knowledge and sound advice.  Nowadays, it seems our culture has become obsessed with youth and physical beauty.  Too often we treat our elders with disregard.  We don’t want to see them, so they become invisible.  We’d rather not be reminded that, we too, are getting older.  What a shame.  We are missing out on so much.

On this National Coming Out Day, I count my many blessings.  I pray that I will age gracefully; live my remaining years with gratitude; and care for my family, friends, and community with as much love as I witnessed on that beautiful evening years ago.